Posted by Anonymous on 2013/03/30 under Uncategorized i dont even know what to do. i dont want to commit suicide, but i wish i had never exhisted. my whole life ive been placed in the shadows. i was always thought second of. No one ever gave me a chance. i feel like everything i do i second guessed. To start from the beginning, i dont have a truly horrible life, but it could be much better. i like to think i had some friends, hell, i even had a best friend. but i lost them. and it sucks. i also cant keep anyone, let alone get a woman in the first place. Because i am who i am, im either too wierd, or too aggressive, so its extremely hard to keep and make friends, and i have a few friends i like, but i doubt any of them feel the same. in fact sometimes i feel like they just want to get rid of me. i also lost a couple of a few women, women who meant the world to me. I had a crush for about 6 years on a woman by the initials of hw (i dont want to say her name for saftey). i was always there for her, and in some ways she was there for me too, but not the way i wanted. i had always liked her, but i also always knew that she didnt like me. never the less, i still tried. and she had boyfriends every know and then, and she’d break up with them. every time she broke up with one, ide always be there for her. and before i ever got the nerve to ask her out, some guy always beat me to the punch. The one time i had a chance with her, i blew it. i let my brothers atheistic ways influence me and i made a stupid joke about mormons and saying how i dont like their religion. I never knew that her family was mostly mormon and while we are still friends, i ended any chance i had there. She ended up going out with a good, (i use that term losley, not from his sake, but my own) friend, initials bl. now i was hurt for a little bit, but i got over, saw 1 or 2 women here and there, but never anything that cought me. until i met another girl. Her initials are ct, and this girl had me all over. I mean i fell. Hard. She was dating another friend of mine. and i was also dating a girl. this girl was okay with me, i had dated her before and i was dating her now just out of kindness so she could have some stability in her life. but ct sent me a text when i was talking to my current gf at the time, (ill call her stacy for now). ct’s boyfriend had broken up with her and she was in tears. I wasent going to rush anything but i saw this as my chance. I had waited for the right time to try and dump stacy to date ct. so i did. and i know. im an a******. thats still one of my regrets. so i broke up with stacy and had no intention of talking to her. so ct was the girl i wanted. i had flirted with her and her with me. when i had finally worked up enough courage to ask her out, she put me in the “friendzone”. its a b****. i dont care what anyone says, even if a guy deserves it, its still one of the bigest kicks in the nuts anyone can take. so that puts me where. i didnt know. so i just hung around her. we were still friends. i like that. even if i couldnt be with her, it was good just being WITH her. so we hung out. around this time, i started hearing about another guy, (lets call him mark.) So mark and ct are pretty good friends too. i naturally start getting a little bit jelous. ct and i had a couple of small spats but never anything too serious. until one day. and this may still be biased as hell but this is how i see it still. ct pulls out her phone one day and shows me a picture. its about mark. and his body. more specifically his abs. now he sends her that and she starts swooning over it. i later on found out that this was a “joke”, or so i am told anyway. i naturally got furious over it and decided to just ignore ct for a while. and boy was that a mistake. when we finally started talking, we went at it like f***ing bulls. and she said he never thought he had a body like he does and they were all just fake swooning over him, but i didnt buy it. it didnt sit right with me. i have everyone telling me that he is a nice christian boy who wouldnt do something like that, but i didnt believe it. so i told ct that, and she just got even more mad at me, saying i was being stupid. so we i guess made up. but the once former extremley enjoyable (and i honestly mean that)all day text messaging battles we had got smaller, and smaller until we stopped talking all together. and that hurt. but what really hurt was that a couple of weeks later, i saw ct and mark. together. holding hands. i knew i was right. i knew what his game was. and i played it. his way though, not mine. even if he is a christian boy, that still to me was cold and devious. so then, where does this leave me. i dont even know. i have no clue what to feel. or even how to feel it. i feel like im a puppet on a string, and some sick a****** is just playing with me. now i dont know if its normal to be like me, (an scared s***less high school student with an acceptance to a decent college, though with no scholarsips and probably having to resort to students loans). and you know what. i hate it. i hate everything about this. i honestly hate my school, i hate women. but you know what i hate most of all. me. ME. ME ME ME ME ME! I cant f***ing stand myself. i hate who i am and i hate that i can change myself. i mean im extremley stupid. i have little book smarts and common sense. i have a ok social life, but its still pathetic. im trying to stop being such a, ah f*** it ill go internet with it, beta male. i want to be alpha, and i times i try. but im not, and it shows. i really hate myself. one other thing i really hate is i lie. alot. i lie for some stories, just so i can have some attention when it gets boring, that may be a little bit bad but show me one person who hasent done that from time to time. but i lie about worse things. we had a 9/11 ceremony, and i faked tears and said i had a family member who died in 9/11 just so i could have some kind of attention. i mean i really felt like scum. and i still do. some days, i just wish i could stay in bed and never wake up. other days not so much. but i still feel nothing most of the time. so i dont even know. where do i go from here. how do i pick everything up and move along. i dont know. i just dont know.